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Biozone Review

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There was something that seemed charming about Biozone when I first looked at the few screenshots that were available for it. It was like something out of my past was reaching out to me, beckoning me to hold it's hand if only for a brief moment, to be transported to a time where nothing but simply beating the game mattered. Yay. So with high hopes, and just a little bit of trepidation I walked headfirst into Biozone, and donned the pixelated armor of Major Strike.

I hate Major Strike now, with every fiber of my being. I hate him. It's not because of his atrocious dialogue which is a paramount unto itself, nor is it because of his artificial tougher-than-nails attitude. No, I hate Major Strike for a much more practical reason. No man in a suit of power armor with a gatling gun for an arm should ever wear roller skates into battle, and if he does, then he better have the decency to at least make them visible to the naked eye. But does Major Strike play by the rules? He does not. He wears his invisible roller skates throughout the entire ordeal, and not once does he have the courtesy to even mention it. So whenever you expect to seamlessly jump from platform to platform, he'll slip and slide his way around the environment, until he plunges into some toxic sludge, or runs face first into fire/gunfire/explosions. Also, a very special thanks for rolling into danger almost 90% of the time that I intended to crouch and shoot at the same time. That too, was also amazing.

And even though the game gives you plenty of upgrades, and weapons, they aren't worth shit. Take the example of something that you should never be able to fuck up in a game, ever. A jetpack. A jetpack in and of itself is completely and utterly amazing. If you or one of your jackass friends went flying by strapped to a jetpack, the immediate reaction from me would be something along the lines of contempt, jealousy and rage. Simply because I would not be the one in the jetpack. But this game managed to take that moment and turn it into “Thank Christ I'm not strapped into that deathtrap.” With a quick double tap of the jump button you can turn on the jets, and soar to new heights, all at the incredible speed of a paper airplane caught in a goddamn updraft. Also note the heightened use of profanity in this review... That's because this game has royally pissed me off.

Where other games like Bionic Commando Rearmed have succeeded in bringing back the old school flavor without screwing over the basics with sloppy controls, and a character that moves like he's constantly trying to ice skate uphill, Biozone doesn't. And it results in a lot of screens that look like this.

This game can go straight to hell.

Biozone is available on Steam, and probably in other places, but I didn't care to find out because this game made me want to punch my cat.

Steve Sawyer
Editor in Chief

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Updated 06-09-10 at 07:54 by SteveSawyer

Tags: biozone, konami Add / Edit Tags
Classic / Retro , PC


  1. Anthony Wastella's Avatar
    Man That sounds like a prime example of ragequit inducing gameplay. Jetpacks usually make things better too.

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